I Have Sub Fantasies… But I’m Afraid to Tell My Boyfriend” And other first steps into the wonderful, weird, delicious world of BDSM
Let’s be real: sexuality is rarely a straight line. (Literally and figuratively.)
So the other day, we got this message from a reader. We’ve trimmed anything identifiable, but the story? It’s one that so many people — especially queer folks — know deep in their bones:
“I have a steady boyfriend, we’ve been together for 5 years. Everything is fine. But I don’t know how to tell him I have submissive fantasies. I don’t think he’s into BDSM — he’s never mentioned any fantasies. I love him, he’s a good guy… but these fantasies won’t leave me alone. I find myself thinking about other men dominating me. I’m scared to lose him. What should I do?”
Whew. First: thank you for sharing. If this resonates with you, you are not alone. At all. Let’s unpack this with love, honesty, and a little leather.
💡 First: Having kinky fantasies doesn’t mean something’s “wrong”
Fantasies — even the intense ones — are normal. Seriously. A huge chunk of the population has BDSM fantasies (studies say 35–50%, and way more in LGBTQ+ folks). Being curious about submission, domination, or power play doesn’t mean you’re "broken", "greedy", or "ungrateful".
It just means… you're human. With a spicy brain.
So how do you bring it up with a partner? Telling your partner about a hidden desire — especially a kink or sub fantasy — can feel like standing naked under a spotlight. Vulnerable as hell.
But communication is the foundation of any good sex life, vanilla or kink.
Here’s how to start:
🔹 1. Start soft
Not every convo needs to start with "I want you to tie me up and call me your filthy little sub."
Instead:
“Hey… I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy and exploring fantasies. I have something that’s been on my mind and I want to share it with you, if you’re open.”
🔹 2. Use fantasy as a bridge
Talk about it as a fantasy, not a demand or expectation.
“I sometimes imagine myself being submissive in bed. It turns me on — I don’t even know if I want to do it in real life yet, but I’d love to explore the idea with you.”
This helps your partner feel invited, not pressured.
🔹 3. Reassure them
Let them know this doesn’t mean they’re not enough, or that the relationship is broken.
Desire ≠ dissatisfaction. 🧷 What if they’re not into BDSM (yet)?
If your partner isn’t kinky (or doesn’t know they are… yet 😉), that’s okay.
Sometimes people surprise us — many folks don’t realize they’re curious until someone they trust opens the door. And exploring doesn’t mean diving into full leather dungeon vibes on day one. It can start slow: blindfolds, teasing, dirty talk with power dynamics, hands-on guidance.
Think of kink like a buffet. You don’t need to eat the whole thing. But you can sample.
Other common questions from BDSM beginners
We get these all the time, so let’s tackle a few rapid-fire style:
❓ “Am I still ‘normal’ if I like being submissive?”
Yes, baby. Normal is a setting on a washing machine. You’re you — and that’s enough.
❓What if my partner thinks I’m weird?
That’s a fear a lot of us have. But vulnerability is sexy-and most couples get closer when they share their desires, even if it’s a little awkward at first.
❓ “Do I need gear to start BDSM?”
Nope! Kink starts in the mind, not the toybox. You can have wild, hot, consensual power play with zero props — just communication, creativity, and a safe word.
❓ “What if I don’t want to be a sub 100% of the time?”
That’s totally valid. Many people are switches (sometimes dom, sometimes sub), or just want to explore a specific role now and then. Your kink is your kingdom.
❓ “How do I learn what I like if I’ve never tried anything?”
Start by reading, fantasizing, talking, and exploring gently. There are endless resources (books, podcasts, online communities). You don’t need to have all the answers before you begin.
🖤 TL;DR?
Having fantasies — even “taboo” ones — is valid and common
Talk to your partner with honesty, care, and curiosity
You don’t have to rush into anything — slow exploration is sexy too
Your pleasure matters. Your truth matters. You deserve to explore
👅 Final thought
Kink isn’t about pain, chains, or extremes. It’s about consent, trust, and connection.
Whether you end up discovering a whole new shared passion with your partner, or learning something new about yourself — just opening the conversation is already powerful.
Love isn’t about hiding parts of yourself. It’s about bringing your whole, beautiful, filthy self to the table — harness and all.
So talk, laugh, explore, and remember: your desires are valid, your relationship is unique, and you’re never alone on this journey.
Got more questions? Drop us a message-no shame, no shade, just queer family vibes.
Stay kinky, stay curious, and always play with pride! We see you, and we’re cheering you on. 🐂
